And So He Went & Left Us to See Ilahi...Al Fatihah~

25 November 2011, Friday at 2.40pm. 

It was the utmost breakdown I ever had in my life, perhaps the saddest day of my family's diary. My beloved Papa has left us forever to see Yang Maha Esa. 

Before this I have always wondering how it feels when someone you love died and I also always pray to God that I won't encounter such situation...BUT you cannot deny His will. As the Malay proverb says, "setiap yang hidup pasti akan pergi kepada penciptanya jua". Yes it is true indeed. 

On this particular day, my all time fear has finally come to greet me. The moment that I never want to experience has finally picturized in front of me. My beloved Papa lost his battle against his failing heart and he has gone forever. He will never come back and I won't be able to see his smile, hear his laughter and feel his hand caressing my forehead while listening to my endless stories anymore. *cried*

I will always remember that day forever. It was the 10th day he was hospitalized in Hospital Raja Perempuan Zainab II (HRPZ II). The night before was my turn to sleep at the hospital to teman my mother. I normally take turn with my eldest sister, Kak Long. Sepanjang berada di hospital, memang tidur was the biggest challenge cos tiap2 hari tidur tak cukup. More so when we have to sleep at the hospital. Normally waktu melawat will be 3 times per day, considering this is the intensive care ward so they limit the visitors' contact with the patient. Papa was warded at High-Dependancy Ward (HDW) because when he was admitted, there was no vacancy at the CCU (intensive care ward for heart problem patients). Relatives can start visiting patients as early as 6.00am-7.00am. Normally those who visit at that time will be those who sleep at the hospital. Ye la kan, kalo yang dok jauh2 tu sure leceh nak melawat pepagi buta. Next is at 1.00pm-2.00pm and the last one is at 5.00pm-7.00pm. Actually, sesapa yang datang melawat tu mesti tak puas hati cos only 2 visitors are only permitted to enter at a time. Pak guard there quite strict sbb diorg takut kena marah ngan nurse yang dah memang sedia garang macam singa lapar. Duhhh!! hospital gomen...enough said! Sepanjang 10 hari papa warded memang banyak la citer membabitkan nurse2 singa ni. Pfft! So malas nak citer panjang. Buat menyakitkan hati ajo..

OK back to the story again... I considered myself as lucky cos the night before Papa left I slept at the hospital with my mother and I had the chance to see my father that morning. Normally, pagi2 dia akan buka mata and acknowledged our presence by nodding his head. We could not see his facial expression since he was wearing the oxygen thingy. However that morning he barely spoke and even barely opened his eyes. I remembered he was complaining that he was in pain. I comforted him by caressing and kissing his forehead. I even whispered kalimah shahadah to his ears. After a few minutes, his eyes started to look at 'something' and were rolling as if he was following 'its' movement. Mama said he was looking at some evil spirit (syaitan) which normally trying so hard to influence when a person is too weak or in sickness. When we tried to wave our hands at him, Papa seemed not to see us. Agak kecut jugaklah masa tu. Mama kept on reciting Yaasin and al-Fatihah and I whispered kalimah shahadah to his ears. From that moment, Mama told me that Papa was about to go but I always menyedapkan hati to say that Papa will be healthy and live longer after this.

Pagi tu lepas waktu melawat I went back home sorg2 cos nak balik mandi & curi2 tido kejap..huhu. Kat rumah pulak memang takde org langsung & sunyi tu memang sgt2 terasa. I tried to sleep somehow I couldn't. Orang kata maybe mainan perasaan sbb I have been thinking a lot these past few days. Whenever I tried to sleep, macam ade org panggil je bisik kat telinga "Jee!". It's not scary at all but you can feel something. So then I decided to get up and bersiap-siap nak gi hospital to breakfast with Mama and my sisters. Masa dok lepak2 sambil tunggu pukul 1.00pm for waktu melawat, my friend Nur Aida text me to see me before he went back to Kuala Krai for the weekend. Oh ya...she was my schoolmate since I was in Form 1 and she is now a doctor in HRPZ II doing her housemanship. So we all pon pegi lah lepak kat Cafe Hospital across the building.

We talked about my Papa's condition and she explained to me almostabout everything related to Papa's well being. Ye la kan, kita ni bangsa yang x reti bahasa doktor nih. Kalo cakap bahasa lawyer mungkin masih boleh difahami :) Masa tengah borak2 tu Kak Long suddenly called and asked me to immediately come to the ward because Papa dah macam nazak and hardly recognized people around me. So Aida and I quickly went inside the ward and my whole family were already there reciting Quran, Yaasin & ajar Papa mengucap. Masa masuk tu Mama ckp Papa kena sawan (medical term is fitting..hopefully i spell it right). Daripada pukul 1.00pm-2.00pm tu adalah dalam 12 kali Papa kena sawan tu. I had to pegang his head to prevent it from goyang any harder. Memang perit sgt tgk Papa tanggung kesakitan masa tu. Still terngiang2 macam mana suara dia masa kena sawan tu. Then the doctor came and gave him some kind of medicine to ease the fitting. Masa pukul 2.00pm tu kan pak guard dah datang round and suruh kitorang keluar. Mama memang berat hati sangat nak tinggal Papa. Nasib ada Aida. She was willing to wait by Papa's bed to monitor him while we were outside. Masa we all keluar ward tu Mama cakap dia nak balik mandi since daripada smlm ptg she didn't bathe tapi tu pon teragak2 nak balik sbb takut jadi apa2. Then I said boleh je nak balik tapi sekejap je... Mandi, solat & trus dtg sini. Mama then asked Kak Long and Kakak to stay & standby if anything happen.

Sampai umah lebih kurang 2.15pm. Then Aida called and she said Papa dah relax and ubat tu dah mula berkesan. She said dia dah kejutkan Papa and suruh Papa mengucap. Alhamdulillah Papa did. She even said nak asked Specialist for permission nak suruh Mama duduk dalam ward tggu Papa since dia kata tak sedap hati tgk Papa's condition. Nak dijadikan cerita I charged my phone upstairs and left it there. I went to Mama's room to pray. Lepas tu tergerak hati nak naik atas tgk phone kot2 ade sesapa call then it was quite shock to see HRPZ II's missed call.

Then I heard Mama's phone rang and my heart was thumping madly, afraid of the bad news. I went to Mama and it was Kak Long who called. She told Mama that Papa has gone....forever. It was at 2.40pm. Mama was still in her sembahyang attire, terjelepuk jatuh and cried her heart out. It was a total sadness. We hugged and cried in each other's arms. Lepas tu we all terus bersiap2 untuk ke hospital and I think I drove like mad. Saya tak tahulah berapa kelajuan sebenar tetapi apa yang saya tahu saya sampai ke hospital dalam masa 5 minutes je (our house is too near to the hospital). Mula2 je bukak pintu ward, sekali ade mayat somebody on the door, ready to be transported out from the ward. Mama thought it was Papa but the attendant said it was female body. We walked quickly towards Papa's bed and saw Kak Long and Kakak were sitting on the floor, while nurses were busy preparing Papa to be sent home. Kak Long was busy calling relatives to tell about Papa's departure and Kakak was crying non-stop. As soon as she saw me, we hugged each other and continue crying.

Mama then asked me to go home and prepare apa yang patut before the arrival of Papa's body. Kak Long and Kakak to settle whatever need to be settled at the hospital while Mama will ride in van jenazah together with Papa's body. My brother has gone home awal sebab dia nak settlekan hal kubur and everything. I cried all the way from the hospital hall and didn't bother much about mata yang memandang. Who cares? My Papa has just passed away, leaving us all forever and won't come back. Sampai2 je kat rumah rupanya dah ade orang yang datang, neighbours pon ramai datang tolong apa2 yang patut. Not long after that, close friends and relatives started to arrive. Ramai yang datang and hugged me for comfort.

I can't remember excatly when the exact time van jenazah arrived at our house. Masa tu rumah kitorang memang dah ramai orang. Mama decided to bury Papa on the day itself. Tak nak seksa mayat katanya. Mulanya nak kebumi lepas Maghrib but one of Papa's good friends suggested after Isyak sbb that day ade ceramah kat masjid so memang ramai jemaah boleh solat bersama2. Lepas mandi and kafan, that was the hardest moment for me and family, to kiss Papa goodbye. It was really hard to let Papa go. I was reluctant to do so because for me I was not ready at that time, not ready to depart from him. But we could not defeat takdir and it has beed fated that way. Papa need to go to his Creator. That is the fact which you can't deny. I kissed him and he smell so nice, feeling like kissing and hugging him, never to let go. Everyone cautioned me not to cry, afraid that the tears would fall on Papa's skin. They said the tears would seksa mayat. After the last person kissed Papa, his face was finally covered and we won't see his face again. And so Papa was being hold up to be brought to masjid for solat jenazah.

As soon as the solat was finished, there he was...dijunjung ke tanah perkuburan, having his last moment on Allah's earth. Kami adik beradik followed to the cemetary and watched closely as Papa being brought down inside the grave. It was so sad. We could not help but crying. Even though Papa has left us, my memories with him kept on playing inside my mind, like flashes of light. Those are the memories that will always remain in my mind and heart forever. Looking at the bright side, our family are totally blessed because Allah took Papa away from us on Friday, penghulu segala hari dan hari yang sangat2 baik dalam kalendar Islam.

Papa will always be remembered as the best dad in the whole world. He means a lot to me and I will always forever remain his daughter who, according to him, is soo manja. I will always remember that. Papa was famous among his close friends and relatives for being a very good and nice person, never hurt anyone with his words or action.

Dear Papa, doa kami sentiasa pada Papa. Moga Papa tenang di sana dan dianugerahkan kesejahteraan hidup di sana. Moga Papa ditempatkan dikalangan orang2 yang beriman dan bertaqwa serta ditawarkan ganjaran syurga. I miss you Papa. I will always will.

Al Fatihah~