Goshhh... it has been awhile since i last posted my mumblings.. i was bz actually with the hectic work schedules.. doing policy work is a tough one and only the real survivor will not drown..ouch! that is deep..huhu but anyway, i'm just glad that i have the chance to write again..;)
During these past few months, many wonderful & unpredictable things happened to me. i don't intend to dictate all but just to highlight a few which i think put up much impact on my life.
Last month, on 10 July 2009, I've lost my one and only grandmother, MEK.. She is my mum's mother and she died due to natural cause i. e sakit tua. My grandma was kind and loving to all her grandchildren. Eventhough I was not so close to her before, her departure also saddened me and my whole family. May she rests in peace and semoga rohnya dicucuri rahmat & ditempatkan di tempat org2 yg beriman..amiiin..
Anyhow, life must go on, rite? Right now, I'm actually trying to "re-program" my state of mind.. I've been a bit "weng" for the past 2 weeks though..haha!! u guys must be wondering why, right? ok, here it goes...
Last March, I received a msg in my FB inbox from someone I never knew requesting to befriend me. After finding out who he is, I accepted his friendship. Since then, we started saying 'hi" & other stuff through FB. Later, when I had to go for my OBP, I left my phone number in case he wanted to contact me during my absence in the office. Normally, I never give my phone number to anyone whom i've never met but this time around, I don't know why I gave him my phone number. Emmm.. maybe I thought he looks like a nice person...haha! but looks can be deceiving, right?? heeee... I told him that I'm going to Singapore for a holiday..oh, oh, oh!! btw, I forgot to tell u guys that he's working in Singapore but he's local. so, he said he was willing to be my tourist guide there. And so I went to Spore with my dearest sister. During my 3 days stay, he came to see me everyday. He even picked me up at the airport & came to see me before I departed. Ever since that Spore trip, we became close and I never expected this to happen. We texted each other more often & he called me quite a number of times. To my surprise, he came all the way from Spore, driving, just to celebrate my birthday since she knew that week I was left alone as my sister went back to KB. I was touched by his kindness actually... ngeee!! u know kan, orang pompuan ni cepat cair sket kalo ade a guy begitu susah payah datang just to celebrate her birthday... so i ni pon salah sorg drpdnya la..haha!!
I've never been any happier in my life before I met him. My life was colourless ever since I've had that bad experience with Zaki... After I met him & spent a few times with him, I thought he was the right guy for me. Before this I even vowed to myself not to fall for a guy again & not to open my heart to any other guy after Zaki. With this guy, I feel comfortable with him. I like talking to him becos he will listen to me & share our stories together. When I talked to him, there will surely be a topic / topics that we can talk about. I never felt clueless with him. I felt so happy and content with my life until that very day when he suddenly ripped my happiness off me...:((
After 2 months of friendship and went through the process of knowing each other, he suddenly put a stop to 'us'.. With that single sms, all the happiness that I built for the past few months suddenly shattered into pieces.. I still remember every words from the sms that he sent me. I was taken aback by his decision and was very devastated. The moment I read the said sms, I felt numb (The sms was sent @ 1.40 am & I read it @ 5.40 am). I suddenly changed from a bubbly girl to a taciturn one. I forced myself not to tell anyone and to keep it to myself but I can't contain all the sadness in me. I cried during my Subuh prayer, in the car to lrt station, in the lrt to work & even in the office's toilet. I didn't know why I cried. Maybe because I was hoping for him too much. Sometimes, I felt confused with myself whether the feelings that I had for him is love or care. If it's love, i'm not sure but if it's care then i'm positive about it.. Deep inside my heart I know I care for him too much. That was why I cried... At first, I tried to conceal this from my sister but the thing is, I can't. I spilled everything to her, showed the sms & I burst out crying on her lap until I felt released. She was a very good consort to me. She gave me motivational words and asked me not to cry over a man like him.. She said maybe God has something else in store for me & he was not the right one for me..
Maybe my sister was right. Maybe God just wants to test me. Betulla lagu Siti tu "Tuhan menguji takkan berhenti"... I redha dengan apa yg terjadi. I learned something from this experience though. I will never fall easily for a guy anymore no matter how kind / charming he is. Tetiba I felt regret sebab broke my own vows dulu. Sometimes I wish I never knew him at all. My life was just fine before I met him. I'm a happy girl. I love to laugh and make my day an enjoyable one. Now, I feel so lonely. For the past 2 months, I was used to having his sms & e-mails everyday as well as his phone calls. Now things have changed drastically. He stopped sms-ing, e-mailing or even calling me. There were times when I thought that what he did to me was not fair. Yes it is true that he never declared me as his girlfriend verbally / in writing but from what I said earlier, I was hoping too much and because of that I was badly hurt when he just wanted to remain just as friends and not more than that with me...
Life must still go on.. Lucky my parents were there for me to support me through my hardest time ever since that incident. They gave me lotsa advices and help me to regain my life back. Thank god now I'm back to my normal me.. a bubbly, happy-go-lucky girl who likes to laugh and makes everybody happy. I tried not to remember him anymore. I always prayed to God so that God can help me get rid of his memories outta my mind. I hate having memories. Memories are hard for us to delete and if some are significant, probably they will remain in our mind forever... Aiseh..that is tough one! I must be strong and should not cry for him anymore. Right now, I must say I miss him soo much. However, I promised to myself I will try to erase him from my life. He is now a history and may God be with me always... Amiiin.